I’m only human, it is natural that some things really get under my skin.  It is even better when I can laugh about it after.

Check these out:

  • Weaves. I recently got a weave (not the first time, but the first one in a long time).  Next day I look like the product of Don King and some chick from the eighties (who thought big, messy hair was a fashion statement, didn’t get too far I bet).  Go back to my hairdresser for a consult, and sure enough, I was told i need to tie it back at night. Okay so hang on, first I need to put painful braids in my hair.  Second, I need to sew on some Asian manufactured hair onto it.  With a face lift, I am to pull all the hair back and wrap it EVERY night to prevent it from getting tangled.  Which means I need to sleep on my face.  I know us black girls go through so much with our hair, but damn, doesn’t face sleeping create wrinkles?  Doesn’t humans spend close to two thirds of our lives in bed (“good times”) – that’s some serious leathering happening on the face.  People, it’s 2011, let’s think of a comfier way to sleep.   In the meantime, “I’ll take ‘Good Morning Don King’ for 200 please Alex”.
  • Reality Shows. You know the only part that is reality is the damn credits.  Everything is staged (I know, I was in one).  I watched “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” a few weeks back.  REALLY?  The ‘Real”?  Someone needs to sue those producers, it’s like false advertising!  I would love to have my own reality show.  It would be called “The Real Unemployed Divas”.  I would need a co-star like a $4000 dog that I am allergic to.  I would call him budda, just to increase my ratings.  One season would just be devoted to how Budda gets all the dog food commercial jobs, and I am jealous because I’m still unemployed.  Brilliant!
  • Over-sized vehicles in “Small Car” only stalls. Need I explain?  If you get out of your monster truck, and you dented a little green Toyota Tercel while doing that – YOU ARE NOT A SMALL CAR and therefore should not be parked there.  It is always the newer, pretentious looking SUV.  I have to somehow Cirque Du Soleil myself to my driver’s door.  Really people?  Do they need to label “I am big and obnoxious” in designated parking stalls now?  Gheez
  • People who don’t tell you you have a clothing malfunction. During my training, I went on a restaurant inspection with a trained female inspector.  I was wearing an over the shoulder bag and a button down shirt.  So during the inspection I felt a draft, but didn’t give it much attention.  Can you imagine I preformed an entire 1hr inspection at a busy restaurant during lunch hour with my girls exposed and that female didn’t have the courtesy of telling me?  Chicken breast has never been the same…
  • Spitters. Why do some people feel the need to spit in open public.  When you think about it, when anything is expelled from the body, it is not a pleasant sight.  Why, why do people do this?  Especially while walking.  I had to dodge a spitball one day, and the person didn’t even care.  They are lucky, if that loogie landed on my Rockports, that person would to spiting while my foot is up their a$$!  Stop the insanity!
  • People who don’t know the purpose of a garbage can. Fast food restaurants are a perfect example.  The other day while having lunch, I sat directly in front a group of teens.  Their table was filled with garbage like it was a Last Super feast.  The garbage bins were adjacent to them as is 2 feet away.  You know those kids walked away with their skinny legged jeans hanging low on their behinds?  I was shocked!  Didn’t your mama ever tell you to clean up after you?  Apparently not.  This is our future?  Hmm, Houston we have a problem!
  • Airport Security taking your knitting needles. In my knitting class, I was told this story and just couldn’t believe it.  So let’s break this down.  You are going on a long flight, and want to finish your baby sweater that you started when the baby was a baby.  You get to security and they say it is considered a sharp object and they confiscate it.  Now with your ball of yarn and unfinished sweater; you go to the gift shop to look for something else to occupy your time for 10 hours.  Sudoku would work I guess.  Ahh, but wait.  This Swiss Army knife is on sale, today ONLY!  It must be my lucky day – ridiculous!
  • People who stereotype.  I went shopping in this “Fashion of less” store, and like any other diva I went straight to the handbag section.  The high-end bags were closer to the entrance, so after checking out the low-end ones along the back wall of the store, I proceeded to the high-end ones.  I had already decided I was going to purchase a low ticketed priced one so I wore it around the store, you know – for feel.  As I walked towards the high-end bags, I saw this concerned, Caucasian, female clerk give me the eye as she called “Security check zone 42”.  Oh NO she didn’t!  So I walked up to her counter, stared at her, then kept on walking around.  Do you know that clerk called the undercover wanna be popo on me.  I knew he was loss prevention because he didn’t have much fashion sense to be in the female shoe department (where I was).  Really?  I have never five-fingered discounted anything in my life, and here I was being treated like I am Winona Ryder.  Just because I’m black doesn’t mean I steal discounted low-end designer handbags.  Get your facts straight at least!
  • Snotty People.  I went to my favorite store today in the new area that I moved to. I just wanted to get an ironing board. The store is under major renovations, so I really couldn’t find the ironing boards anywhere.  So I went into the bath section and saw an associate.  i asked her: where are the ironing boards? She replied:  where they have always been!  I thought she was joking, but noticed she turned away from me.  So i said:  excuse me, where is that?  She says:  in housewares (now giving me her undivided attention).  So I asked, where is housewares? She replies:  WHERE IT’S ALWAYS BEEN!  Are you freaking kidding me right now? I looked at the woman and was at a loss for words.  She then sighed and took me to the ironing boards like it was against her will or something.  While she walked me there she said “All (insert store name here) stores are all designed the same!”  I got the ironing board and I had a couple of suggestions of my own about its relocation, but I said thanks and walked away.  Do people have to be that snotty?  I know this store goes through a customer service boot-camp training session she must have managed to slip through the cracks that day.
  • Disrespecting your elders. Today at work, we were talking about what we did for New Years Eve. This lovely, young 18-year-old girl was talking about how she went to a party and there were ‘old’ people there, she said “they were really, really old, like 30 or 35 at least.”  I was in such shock, that she thought I was an old hag.  I kindly asked her if she wanted to continue this conversation out back.  (And to those that are thinking I would actually hurt someone, you are terribly mistaken.  I would only rough her up O.G. style.)
    And that my friend, was the start of my first day back…  I must add that she did realize what she said after the fact, and clarified that she was talking about people ‘around her age’.  Even so, I hope she exercise tact next time in her story telling.
  • Stay tuned, there’s more..

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